I think everyone would like work more if it were made mandatory.
Problem solved.

If I could bring a tortoise with me, everywhere would be better.

In my professional reference of you, I will include the fact that you keep your desk candy bowl full of "good candy"-- no hard candies for you.

If you can say things like "my due date was yesterday," then maybe you shouldn't be at work. As a ticking time bomb, maybe you should be somewhere not near me.

I wish there were a good deed that involved telling people what you really think of them loud in the face.

I killed my first spider yesterday. Very upsetting.
I guess my rule is: I'm a vegetarian, I'm against hurting living creatures-- unless you're standing on my arm.

A big problem with human nature is that there's so much of it.

The problem with Easter candy is that I have to eat it all before Passover and there's a lot of it.

There should be a separate section of the gym for people who have "outfits."

Inspiration: Saw a man with a shirt that said "Sorry I'm late."
Ingenius idea: Make into maternity shirt.

It may be true that you catch more flies with honey, but it totally ruins your honey.
Have you heard of flypaper?

New Yorker thoughts come against my will.

As I crossed the street with the light, I thought to the cabs inching into the crosswalk:
Hit me with your car and I will punch you in the windshield.

I hope I never become a New Yorker in the sense that I no longer find wonder at a normal looking man just walking around wearing a live cat on his head.

Once technology allows us to harness the energy of extreme annoyance, the NYC Subway will completely erase its carbon footprint.

New York rules:

Unlike off a bridge, you can follow the crowd into traffic if cars will hit other people first.

Just because you can't understand someone doesn't mean they are not speaking English.

At least sitting in traffic during the morning commute nobody tells you about Jesus against your will. At the top of their lungs. For actually ten straight minutes.
So you do what Jesus would do-- turn up your ipod.

Other horrible signs I'm being New Yorker-ed:

When people lean too close to the edge of the platform when the train is coming, I think about how long the trains would be delayed.

I resist the urge to yell at people for walking up both sides of the staircase.

Everyone purposely walks slowly right in front of me when I'm trying to get somewhere.

It's interesting that in a city of so many, one person still makes a big difference.
For example, if you're talking to one person instead of no one, that definitely says something about you.

As I stood there cracking my toes while standing on the subway platform, I realized that this is both the beauty and downfall of New York City-- people do whatever they want in public.

I'm worried I'm becoming a New Yorker. I say mean things to people in my head.
Try to take up more subway seats please. Is that even POSSIBLE?
I guess you are a true native once you say them out loud.

Adjusting to new surroundings: I now expect dogs to be in stores.

Nothing makes a normal day great like seeing someone's sagged pants actually fall down.

Proof I live in New York:

The other day I had a near miss with a
-taxi
-bike
-businessman
-hot dog cart

Please note that the hot dog cart was moving. The cab was not.

He always did things that hit you right where it hurt, as was his achilles tendency.

I'm glad it was me who laughed when they almost sold us 40 cadbury eggs for a dollar because I would never have forgiven you for ruining that.

To do:

1) Use the word "impervious" more
2) Look up definition of "impervious"

Sometimes it seems like love is like Nuts 4 Nuts.
It smells better than it actually is.

If talking to plants helps them grow, does sign language count?

Whoever invented CapriSun is a genius: fancy foil contraption, two sips of juice.

Observed on the subway category: not a good enough comeback

(After a woman shoves past him)
"Yes if you ever come into Applebee's, I will definitely spit in your food."

Wind is nature's litter bug.

What could possibly drive a grown man to wear a bow tie?

Men invented high heels to make women easier to catch.

Sometimes as a scientist you search for an answer to one question and find the answer to another. Like, in shaking the container of cheese to find out the volume remaining, you instead find that the container is open. And that cheese is aerodynamic.
This may or may not change the future of science as we know it.