random thoughts

Saturday, April 30, 2005

In life, we are told not to judge a book by its cover, but I find it perfectly reasonable to judge a book by reading its back cover description and reviews. What is the life equivalent to that? I think judging people by their behinds and ex-girlfriends' ratings.

Friday, April 29, 2005

It is a rare thing to find a food that you can package in 25 lb divisions and still sell. But matzah works on so many levels. First, nobody can ever decide when or if it actually is stale. Second, it attracts the only cultural group that decides they will buy a 10 lb package of matzah because then they get another 10 lbs free.
Then the only thing left is to figure out other things to do with it, like make it into wallpaper or mousepads. Mmm.
I miss pizza.

Monday, April 25, 2005

The only constant in my life is the ever-going battle with gravity.
It's confusing when a person addresses someone behind you and you think they are talking to you. It is significantly more confusing when a person addresses someone behind you in a foreign language. Today it happened and I was very worried I had not only forgotten who my friends are but also how to hear and communicate. Then I tripped.
I always look both ways when crossing the street, even if it is a one-way street. If you got hit by a car going the wrong way because you only looked in one direction, you would unquestionably die. Because if you had survived the impact, the irony would kill you.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

"Hey, do you know about the thing?"
"What thing?"
"The thing nobody is supposed to know about."
"Probably not then. Why, what thing?"
"Oh nevermind, nobody is supposed to know."
"Wait, what thing?"
"Forget I mentioned it."
"OH the THING. Yea I know."
"You don't know."
"What thing again?"

Apparently, if you don't know about the thing, then everyone else does and nobody can tell you.

Monday, April 18, 2005

I was talking to people about life goals and then I realized that I should really get some. I don't need some big life goals, like cure world peace or save the abortions, but short-term goals that will really make me feel productive and accomplished.
The current list is:
-go tap dancing
-learn to do the splits
-own a weiner dog
-drive cross country
-make a very decorative cake and take pictures of it

I will have much to brag about at my 47th high school reunion.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Things don't always turn out how they seem they will. I don't mean this in a deep philosophical way. I mean, you wouldn't think that eating Tums, which help get rid of stomach aches, would actually give one a stomach ache if one were to eat above mentioned Tums as though they were candy. If you thought this, you would be not only wrong, but angry and with an aching of stomach.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

If you going to spill cereal in your bed, don't choose rice crispies. They are very hard to pick up and when you accidentally encounter an escaped one, they are also extremely arrogant about it, snapping and crackling and popping all over everything. Though if you are choosing cereals to spill in your bed, I think you need a hobby. But if you have to pick one, maybe pick the one that is just one giant Cheerio. That would be very easy to find.

Friday, April 08, 2005

The thing about the internet is that it lets you keep up with people you would never call on the phone and talk to. How useful.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Real-life conversation:
"I'm going to be honest, I'm having a really hard time not staring at your boobs right now."

Honesty: a controversial policy.
Our whole society is just obsessed with limbs. It's hard to be sexy when you're a torso.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

It's a good thing people can't hear thoughts outloud, because people would always be shushing me during class.
 
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